


On an Open Hellfire

by bethagain



Series: December Stories [9]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Chestnuts, Christmas, Gen, Life in Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethagain/pseuds/bethagain
Summary: A visit to Hell at Christmastime. Where, yeah, things are mostly awful, but a teeny bit of holiday spirit manages to sneak in.
Series: December Stories [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561195
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	On an Open Hellfire

For the most part, you don’t want to visit Hell in December.

Christmas carols, for example, take on a whole new meaning down there. They take _Jack Frost nipping at your nose_ literally. Those _tiny tots with their eyes all aglow?_ You wouldn’t want to run into them in an alley, especially not after dark. 

_Do you hear what I hear?_ Yes, but I really really wish I didn’t.

Oh, and Frosty the Snowman comes to life all right, and he’ll laugh and play too. But you won’t like his idea of fun. When he says “I’ll be back again someday,” you’ll find yourself praying to every god you can think of that someday is a very long way off.

Still, it’s not all bad. 

Let’s take a peek. 

Just be ready to run, if you see a red-nosed reindeer coming your way.

Hastur, Duke of Hell, is sitting at his desk among stacks of paperwork. Most of the papers are damp and dogeared as usual, with the obligatory coffee spill curling the edge of one pile and another teetering precariously. 

On one corner of the desktop, though, the papers are crisp and dry. They’re sitting next to a little column of hellfire that spins gently, giving off a steady heat. It’s not a standard feature of the office, that little fire. It’s only there this time of year.

And here comes Ligur, carrying a stack of fresh contracts, a dozen new signed-away souls. He needs to file them in the cabinet on the other side of the room. Nobody comments when he makes a detour across to Hastur’s desk, dodging the drip from the ceiling. He reaches into the column of hellfire, slips something into his pocket, and continues on.

Hell usually smells like brimfire, old ashes, a hint of old sewage with a top note of mold. A warm, nutty scent is not normal for the air down here. 

Hastur looks around, then pulls another something from the flames. He peels whatever it is under his desk, slips the shell under some papers in his wastebasket, and pops it into his mouth.

He’s still chewing when Beelzebub comes through the door and catches sight of the fire. 

“That’s a hazzard, Hastur. You know firezz aren’t allowed over here.”

Hastur swallows quickly, bows. “Yes, Lord Beelzebub.” His face has a cagey look, _thinking fast_. “I was practicing. We’ve, uh, got a lot to do this season. All that Christmas cheer.”

“Don’t give me that,” snaps the Prince of Hell. “I know what you’re doing. I can smell it.”

“You… you can?”

“Of courszze I can, Hastur, I’m not an idiot. Give them over.”

“Give them... over?” Hastur says, weakly. He knows what he’s doing isn’t allowed. He knows Beelzebub knows. And it’s Christmas. The punishments for being naughty are doubled this time of year.

But Beelzebub already _knows_. So Hastur reaches over and spins down the fire, causing the flames to wink out. In their place is a little pile of chestnuts, neat X’s cut into their shells with the points beginning to curl. Steam rises from within each one. 

“Lookzz perfect!” Beelzebub grabs a handful, tucking most of them in their pocket and starting to peel the last one. “Don’t burn the placzze down, Hastur,” they add as they walk away.

Most of the time, you wouldn’t want to visit Hell. _You better watch out_ is a good rule to follow, Christmas or not. Still, it’s sort of nice to know that for a few weeks in December, _chestnuts roasting on an open fire_ means exactly that. Just be sure to bring enough to share.


End file.
